New Begininngs

I know it's January 8th and I haven't been on here for months, so I'm reflecting. Looking back over the meager beginnings of this blog and back over my year. 2010 has been a life chnging year for me! Not that most aren't, but this has been different, 2010 has been a year of self change. I've lost and gained so many things. I lost 50lbs, and do not want to find them, I'm still loosing and gaining the same 5 lbs. I was struggling with in Nov. I lost all of my hair, and strangely with it I have a new found confidence. I'm not sure that is really the loss of hair that the confidence springs from or from the loss of medications that has brought it about, regardless of where it has come from, I happy it's here! I traveled the country coast to coast with MP this year and loved every mile of it. I was certified to facilitate marriage retreats for the Army. The training was so much fun, and actually working the retreats has been great. I'm saving money every month now because my body no longer needs medication to be free of pain! Praise God!

So now here I am at the beginning of another year, and like last year I have decided not to make any New Year Resolutions, but I can't help but wonder what is in store for me. I want to leave behind the junk of the past and continue to celebrate the new life that I have been given. I can't wait to see what I have become by this time next year!

The Scale

I've been back to the gym for 3 weeks. The scale has not been my friend. I've been bouncing around this 184-190 range for 7 weeks now. Even more depressing is the fact that my husband showed me a text from June that simply said 199. That means I've been in this 15 pound range for 6 months. What does that tell me? I had better up the effort. I do work hard in the gym, and I'm there 4-5 times a week, it's the food thing that gets me. I love food! I have great intentions. I shop really well, my cupboards are full of good for you food, very little junk. The problem comes when I don't feel like cooking, cutting, chopping. . . going out is so much easier. Third Street Cafe, Tres Amigo's, Olive Garden, Starbucks, Coffee Times, all places I've visited this week. Not to mention the near amazing sweet potato cupcakes I made on Tuesday. So, I guess, rather than blaming the scale, and accusing it of not being my friend, I have only myself to blame. Self, "get with it"!

What I know about me

These are the things I know about myself.

Relationships are the most important thing to me

I like to be part of a group

I forgive easily, always giving people a second chance

I'm a "real" person, genuine and authentic

I believe in treating people fairly

I say these things because deep inside I know them to be true. If I was looking for a friend and this was the resume that came up I would say, hmm, maybe I should interview this person, she just might work. Why then does my "self talk" not bring out these qualities about myself. Why although I know these things are true, can I not see them. Why can I be forgiving to others, but not myself, let others see the real me but can't let myself see, why can I treat other's fairly, but not myself? Maybe I need to look at my "resume" occasionally, and say "hey, she might just work!"

Wedding Day

MP did a wedding Saturday. Doesn't he look handsome! I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to attend. I didn't know the people at all, but they did invite me. I didn't have anything to wear because I have lost so much weight since last fall. The really big thing, I DON'T HAVE HAIR! I decided to just do it. I was blessed.

It was a beautiful day. The wedding was sweet, a small private family ceremony, in a cute little tea shop. The bride was beautiful, the groom was nervous. The bride was so careful, and so concerned that the guests were happy and well taken care of. I watched her go from person to person, leaving everyone she talked to with a smile. It was her day, and she spent it loving people. I learned something from her. I spent so much time thinking about myself, I almost missed witnessing the beauty of two people committing to do life together. The day wasn't about me, so it really didn't matter what I wore, or was or wasn't on my head. Why is it that so much of the time I make things about me. Is it human nature? or is it just me?

I need to remember that I am here to love God, and love people. I don't need clothes that fit, or hair on my head to do those things.

What now?

Wow, it's been nearly a month. I had surgery October 1. I wasn't prepared for the weeks between then and now, I'm not sure I could have been. I am happy to say that I am now on the other side of pain for the most part. Right now I'm frustrated from my lack of energy, and have honestly come pretty close to self-pity. Today I decided that it is time to dust off my boots and get back to life. I've been through some stuff for sure, but who hasn't. My God is big enough and close enough, he knows. So God, what now?

Being Away

This is the beach where I grew up in NY. Everytime I go home my first stop is the beach, doesn't matter what the weather is. God speaks to me here.

This is one of my favorite friends, coffee and the sunrise in Virginia MP at sunrise

Sunset at one of the restaurants we ate at. Wonderful food, great people and a beautiful veiw!

I've been on vacation, and it was beautiful!

Change of plans

I've been away for longer than I like to be. Like I said in my last post, this medicine is kicking my butt! I hoped my body would adjust but that has not been the case. I had a consult last week with a surgeon, expecting to set a date to have gamma knife again, instead I'm having a micro vascular decompression on Oct. 1. Honestly I was really freaked out about it for a few days. First it was not at all what I expected, and second the risks are a lot bigger than the risks with gamma knife. Honestly, after dealing with this medicine for a couple of weeks I can't wait to have the surgery! I had gamma knife a few years ago, knowing that it would probably not last forever. In Nov. of 2005 I started having pain again, and have been on meds since 2006. I honestly don't remember what the "real" me feels like, and am looking forward to having her back. I have complete confidence in my God, and know that whatever happens he is in control. My plans have changed, but God's have not. Proverbs 16:9 "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Psalms 33:11 "But the Lord's plans stand firm forever, his intentions can never be shaken"

I pray for my husband right now, who is more stressed out about this than he really wants me to know. I want him to be at peace. I thank God for him, he is such a blessing to me, I hate to see him worried.