The Scale

I've been back to the gym for 3 weeks. The scale has not been my friend. I've been bouncing around this 184-190 range for 7 weeks now. Even more depressing is the fact that my husband showed me a text from June that simply said 199. That means I've been in this 15 pound range for 6 months. What does that tell me? I had better up the effort. I do work hard in the gym, and I'm there 4-5 times a week, it's the food thing that gets me. I love food! I have great intentions. I shop really well, my cupboards are full of good for you food, very little junk. The problem comes when I don't feel like cooking, cutting, chopping. . . going out is so much easier. Third Street Cafe, Tres Amigo's, Olive Garden, Starbucks, Coffee Times, all places I've visited this week. Not to mention the near amazing sweet potato cupcakes I made on Tuesday. So, I guess, rather than blaming the scale, and accusing it of not being my friend, I have only myself to blame. Self, "get with it"!

What I know about me

These are the things I know about myself.

Relationships are the most important thing to me

I like to be part of a group

I forgive easily, always giving people a second chance

I'm a "real" person, genuine and authentic

I believe in treating people fairly

I say these things because deep inside I know them to be true. If I was looking for a friend and this was the resume that came up I would say, hmm, maybe I should interview this person, she just might work. Why then does my "self talk" not bring out these qualities about myself. Why although I know these things are true, can I not see them. Why can I be forgiving to others, but not myself, let others see the real me but can't let myself see, why can I treat other's fairly, but not myself? Maybe I need to look at my "resume" occasionally, and say "hey, she might just work!"

Wedding Day

MP did a wedding Saturday. Doesn't he look handsome! I went back and forth about whether or not I was going to attend. I didn't know the people at all, but they did invite me. I didn't have anything to wear because I have lost so much weight since last fall. The really big thing, I DON'T HAVE HAIR! I decided to just do it. I was blessed.

It was a beautiful day. The wedding was sweet, a small private family ceremony, in a cute little tea shop. The bride was beautiful, the groom was nervous. The bride was so careful, and so concerned that the guests were happy and well taken care of. I watched her go from person to person, leaving everyone she talked to with a smile. It was her day, and she spent it loving people. I learned something from her. I spent so much time thinking about myself, I almost missed witnessing the beauty of two people committing to do life together. The day wasn't about me, so it really didn't matter what I wore, or was or wasn't on my head. Why is it that so much of the time I make things about me. Is it human nature? or is it just me?

I need to remember that I am here to love God, and love people. I don't need clothes that fit, or hair on my head to do those things.

What now?

Wow, it's been nearly a month. I had surgery October 1. I wasn't prepared for the weeks between then and now, I'm not sure I could have been. I am happy to say that I am now on the other side of pain for the most part. Right now I'm frustrated from my lack of energy, and have honestly come pretty close to self-pity. Today I decided that it is time to dust off my boots and get back to life. I've been through some stuff for sure, but who hasn't. My God is big enough and close enough, he knows. So God, what now?

Being Away

This is the beach where I grew up in NY. Everytime I go home my first stop is the beach, doesn't matter what the weather is. God speaks to me here.

This is one of my favorite friends, coffee and the sunrise in Virginia MP at sunrise

Sunset at one of the restaurants we ate at. Wonderful food, great people and a beautiful veiw!

I've been on vacation, and it was beautiful!

Change of plans

I've been away for longer than I like to be. Like I said in my last post, this medicine is kicking my butt! I hoped my body would adjust but that has not been the case. I had a consult last week with a surgeon, expecting to set a date to have gamma knife again, instead I'm having a micro vascular decompression on Oct. 1. Honestly I was really freaked out about it for a few days. First it was not at all what I expected, and second the risks are a lot bigger than the risks with gamma knife. Honestly, after dealing with this medicine for a couple of weeks I can't wait to have the surgery! I had gamma knife a few years ago, knowing that it would probably not last forever. In Nov. of 2005 I started having pain again, and have been on meds since 2006. I honestly don't remember what the "real" me feels like, and am looking forward to having her back. I have complete confidence in my God, and know that whatever happens he is in control. My plans have changed, but God's have not. Proverbs 16:9 "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Psalms 33:11 "But the Lord's plans stand firm forever, his intentions can never be shaken"

I pray for my husband right now, who is more stressed out about this than he really wants me to know. I want him to be at peace. I thank God for him, he is such a blessing to me, I hate to see him worried.

Here I am again

I have trigeminal neuralgia. I've had it for a lot of years, still every time it flares up it catches me off guard and I go through all kinds of emotion. I've been struggling with it for several weeks now, and it's really got me this time. Usually a simple med change can get things back to normal fairly quick. That isn't the case this time. I've been through several nights having to take pain meds that I try not to take, and several different medications, adding this one, subtracting that one, stopping and starting different ones, it's been challenging to say the least. The newest one is working! The side affects are kicking my butt right now.

One of the results of this challenge is that I haven't been able to run as much as I was before. Increasing my heart rate, increases my level of pain. Last night was my first night out for several weeks ( I have run a few times on a tread mill, but that just isn't the same). I couldn't even run a mile. One of my goals in this life changing journey that I am on is to run in the Turkey Trot in November. It is the first 5k that MP and J ran in, so I picked it to be my first. I was up to running just about 2 miles 5 times a week. So I've had a set back to say the least. My natural tendency is to give up, use my condition as an excuse to not continue. I'm trying really hard to fight that tendency. So, I'm going to back up on my training plan, and work my way back up. I still have time to be ready by Thanksgiving. So today I went to the gym, and tomorrow night I will be outside, running again!

I've been visiting my daughter, getting to know the newest addition to our family. Isn't she just beautiful! Taking her picture was a lot easier than trying to get a picture of the 4 of them together!

What Now?

I've spent a LOT of time trying to get to know myself. Now I'm at the point that I want to be doing something. There are so many things out there, how does a person pick? These are the things I'm thinking about. Foster care, I've thought about it many times, even went through all the classes in KS, it keeps coming back, so I'm thinking about it again. Volunteering to work with a program at the horse park that does therapy using horses. Our church has a back pack program, they fill hundreds of back packs with food on Fridays for children who might not get to eat without them. Those are just a few idea's. I just need to pick something and get started!

Better

I knew it wouldn't last long. My weekend was wonderful! The weather was beautiful. The temps were still very high, but the humidity was low. My nephews were here with us, we cooked out, went to the farmers market, had a picnic by the river. So nice!

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit

and out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

Psalm 40:1-2

Wondering?

Do you have days when you just feel heavy? Physically heavy, emotionally heavy, spiritually heavy? That's how I feel right now. Just all over heavy. I keep exercising because I know I should, but it's so much work. Emotionally I feel disconnected from everything, but don't want to reach out and connect. I'm a people person, I need people, they are like breath to me, but sometimes it's just too much work to reach out. Reaching out would be pointless when I feel this way, because even if someone is here, I can't connect with them. I pick up my bible , and it's all just words on a page, it's as if I don't even know how to read. Trying to pray, connect with God feels just as pointless as reaching out to people right now. The good thing is, it's just day a day, or in this case two. Rationally, I know it won't last long, it never does, but while I'm in it, IT feels like forever. So, I go through the motions, get out of bed, go to the gym, make cupcakes for my life group, answer the phone (sometimes) smile at MP when he comes home early with a gift in hand. I'll go to bed early and hope the heaviness is gone when the alarm goes off in the morning.

Keepin On

This week it's been tough keepin on - the scale still hasn't moved and I'm working out more than ever, running 5 days a week and going to the gym 3. (Well I didn't go today for a multitude of reasons) The scale isn't budging. I feel like I make good food choices most of the time, I started keeping my food journal again, just in case I've been fooling myself. I spite of that, I am still running, and feeling pretty good about it too! My trainer changed up my strength training routine and boy is it hurting me! Today starts the weekend, the time when I usually have the hardest time, so my strategy? No eating out, trying some new recipes and going to the farmers market tomorrow to get some fresh fruit and veggies! Got to get that scale moving again. And don't think that because I didn't go to the gym this morning that I'm not getting a workout, I've already worked in the yard for an hour and plan to do the mowing after I pick J up from work. One more positive, someone took a picture last night of our group of friends and I almost didn't recognize myself, I really do look different!

July 22 she arrived!

Here is the newest arrival to our family tree. We share a middle name, Michelle. I am honored! B says it fits her perfectly. She arrived with no trouble at all July 22. Isn't she beautiful! I'm sure I will have many more pictures in the coming weeks. I can't wait to visit!

This weekend was a first for me, one of many I hope. I was a facilitator at a National Guard Prep Retreat. Prep is a marriage enrichment program. It was so much fun. Since this was my first experience facilitating Prep I was nervous, but the couples were so great! A few years ago I would not have thought of doing this, but when MP presented the opportunity I jumped and so glad that I did. Amazing how God works to mold and shape us.

Just a few pics

I've been away for a few weeks, visiting with my beautiful daughter B, she's expecting her 4th child, and the plan was for me to be there to help out. I've been there for the other 3. Sadly, I had to come home before the little girl arrived. She will be here tomorrow for sure, and I can't wait to meet her!

This is the big brother, he is going to have his hands full with 3 sisters. He loves them all though, he calls them his girls.

This is the baby, not for long!

This is the biggest sister. She is going to have the hardest time of all. She gets upset just looking at the new babies things.

You always wonder how you can love something so much, and still have room in your heart for more, but somehow, you always do. I didn't think I could possibly love anyone as much as I loved my own children, but I have to say grandchildren are amazing!!!!! I can't wait for the 4th to come, and later this year, Big Jon will have his first. My heart is going to burst!

4th of July Cupcakes

I spent the day making cupcakes today. Something I really love to do. I gave most of them away to the nanny across the street. I can't keep them in my house, that really won't help the weight loss. But I am looking for a really great white cake recipe. These are good, but not great, so I'm not sharing the recipe. If anyone has a really great one, I'd love to try it! The frosting however, is pretty good!

1 C butter

3 1/2 C powdered sugar

2 tsp vanilla

3 Tbs milk

Workout Frustration

I am thankful for my trainer who doesn't just listen to me when I'm frustrated, she helps me come up with a plan! The last 4 weeks my weight has remained the same. I go in for my nutrition coaching, get on the scale. . . and. . . it says the same thing it said 4 weeks ago!!!!!!!! ERRRR!!!!!! Friday I am leaving for 2 weeks. I'm going to stay with B until the new baby arrives. There will be no trainer, no nutrition coach, just me. I won't even be making the meals, I will be out of control, and yesterday I felt like I was loosing all control! I wanted to eat everything I could get my hands on, luckily there isn't anything really bad in the house, well, except the cupcake stuff I have for 4th of July cupcakes. (I'll put pictures here later if they turn out ok). Anyway, I talked with my trainer about it and she got out her measuring tape, and did my measurements. I've lost almost 19 inches!!!!!! 19!!!! 4 on my waist and 4 on my hips!!!!!!!! That's awesome, and it gave me some perspective. We also came up with a plan for interval training when I get back to help the scale start moving! Yeah! Oh, and I can't forget my nutrition coach who helped me come up with a plan to stay in control while I'm away. Thanks guys!!!!!!!!

Mercy

"I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy. He listened so intently as I laid out my case before him. Death stared me in the face, hell was hard on my heels. Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn; then I called out to God for help: "Please God!" I cried out. "Save my life!" God is gracious-it is he who makes things right, our most compassionate God. God takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me." Ps 116:1 - The Message

26 years ago, I had a beautiful baby boy and I married his father, somehow thinking that getting married was making all the wrong I had done, right. Foolishness, rebellion, shattered dreams. I had 2 more beautiful babies and days, weeks, months of fear, anger, shame. The father was an addict. He came from generations of addiction. I knew when I married him, somehow I thought that love would make it better. He tried, program after program. He couldn't beat it, I gave up fighting and left.

My shame kept me from going to THE ONE who could help. When I gave up and turned to God, he answered me, was right there waiting for me. Mercy. I prayed for years and years that the generations of addiction would not be passed to our children. I cried out to God many nights as one child struggled.

Then today. . .the fathers Jr., comes to tell me with great excitement about his new job. Working at the rescue mission, with recovering addicts. This is my boy who cried and prayed for nights that God would help his father "stop drinking beer". It seems like I've watched things going full circle. God is good. Mercy.

4th of July

This year I will be with my daughter (B) and grand kids for the 4th of July. I bought cute little dresses for the girls and a shirt for , my grandson BB. We bought decorations and plan to have a great time being together. Big Jon and his wife will be with us for some part of the weekend, and we plan to have a little going away party for him. He deploys in 3 weeks. Some how the importance and meaning of July 4th has changed so much since MP and Big Jon are serving in the military, it's more personal now. Strange how that is.

Distant Memory

I've been gone for a week. Sitting on my butt in a conference room 8 hours a day, eating food that I hope is within my calorie range. Today was the test, did I make good choices, did I sneak to many chocolate snacks, did I walk enough? I wanted to skip the scale today, just go in and see my trainer, workout and go home, not face the music. . .I did it anyway, there was a new coach today, she didn't know my history, couldn't really scold me if my results weren't good. I didn't need her to, the scale said it all, I gained a pound. A pound doesn't sound bad, except that last week I had gained 2, now I'm up 3. So what do I do now? I want to go eat a package of Oreo's, instead, I come home, drink a bottle of water and mow the lawn. At lunch time I follow my eating plan and start over again, one foot in front of the other. Last week I ran a mile for the first time. Today I got on the scale that said I gained a pound, and what seemed like a huge victory last week, is just a distant memory.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

The One Thing

One thing that I have been working on is getting healthy. Eating better, exercising more, spending more quiet time with God. That has meant completely re-programing my eating habits, and my daily routine. I have a weekly menu and I try to stick to it, I try to get to the gym 3 times a week, (it usually ends up being 2 times) and I try to walk or run 3 times a week. So I get up, eat breakfast, go to the gym, come home shower, do laundry, and them I usually end up blog reading instead of going right to my time with God. Why is it that the thing that is most beneficial is the easiest to put off? I love to go sit on my patio with a cup of coffee, my bible and my notebook, but it is the one thing that I have done the least of recently. Anyone else have that problem?

Child Like

As the Mom of adult children, I cherish the times when the little child in them sneaks out. Last week I saw the 4 year old peak out when I told J on his birthday that dad was at the airport picking up Big Jon. The camera couldn't do the moment justice. I heard the 4 year old voice and saw the 4 year old face light up, and the adult eyes fill with tears as he said, my brothers coming?! Today J had surgery, the 4 year old returned in the recovery room, as he laid there shivering and I cleaned drool out of his grown man beard. These are moments although not caught on camera are forever caught in my mind.

Getting Healthy

One thing I'm working on this year is getting healthy. I'm eating better & exercising. Last Wednesday was my youngest son's (J) birthday, I fixed and ate some of his favorites. Also last Wednesday, my Marine son, Big Jon came for a quick visit before his next deployment. Of course we ate all of his favorites too. In addition to eating way more than I should have, I didn't go to the gym either. Now I'm paying for it! Yesterday was a 4 mile walk run, and today was an hour long workout at the gym. Then before I hit the shower I mowed the lawn. Right now I just want to go to bed! Unfortunately I didn't get much housework done while Big Jon was visiting, so everything is staring me in the face saying get this done now. J has surgery tomorrow and I have bunco at the house tomorrow night so, there is no putting it off until tomorrow. Perhaps I could put it off for just a few minutes for a quick nap? This getting healthy thing is exhausting!

Saying Good-bye

In the past few days I've said a lot of good-byes. When we moved to KY 5 years ago, I began relationships with several families who moved here for the same reason we did. Seminary. Several families were here to meet the military requirements for chaplaincy, the same thing that brought us here. In the past 5 years we have gone through life with these people. We've shared meals, prayed together, mourned together and celebrated together. It made sense that we were friends, we had a commonality that few people had. Two years ago MP graduated, we were told that he would be deployed within 8 weeks. The plan was that during his deployment he would submit his paperwork for active duty chaplaincy and upon his return to KY we would move to his first duty station. It's been two years and MP is still here, and is full time with the National Guard. Apparently God's plans for him were different than ours. I'm not complaining, just saying, things have not gone as we planned. In the past four days I have said good-bye to the last two families that we have gone through this journey with. I'm happy for them, sad for me, I'm still here. I like here, I'm happy here. It's just that they are living the life I thought we were going to have. Does that make sense? We moved out of the seminary town and to the city a few months ago, and I was ok with that. Our friends were still here, just a few miles away. Now they are gone and there is really no reason to go back to that little town. Today is the first time that it feels like that chapter of my life is over. I wonder what the next chapter will look like?

ichoose2

I've been doing the iChoose2 challenge, I know that some of you are doing it too. I'd like to know what some of you are thinking. I know that we are all on different days, so I'll try to not get too far ahead, but today I was asked to make some comments about my experience so far and I have to say that Day 6 iChoose to appreciate my past has had the biggest impact on my daily life. We all have things in our past that we would like to undo,things that often bring us down, some of you know my "things" so you know that I have some big ones! Remembering that I would not be who I am today without those experiences, and taking time to see how even the negative experiences have been used for good allows me to lift my head when those memories are getting me down. What about you?

If you aren't doing iChoose2 to and you want to, there is still time, just go to http://tinyurl.com/29jgdqj to get started.

Living in the Kingdom of Me

Last night MP (my husband) wanted to go visit some friends who will be moving soon, friends who have traveled with us through our time at seminary. I was upset that he had made the arrangements without talking to me about it. I had plans! I wanted to go shopping. I wanted to get my nails done. I wanted to go for a walk with him, I wanted to go out for coffee with him . . . on, and on. Living in the kingdom of me. How did I get here again? We did go visit and had a wonderful time. I will miss them greatly when they are gone!